I Am Now Definitely a Psych Major

We're reading a chapter on sexual orientation, so i thought I'd ask a question.

When people would joke with you about being gay, did you know at that time that you were?

After you answer, I will tell you my answer. I want an unbiased answer.

Thinking about a Gender/Sexual Orientation Research Project,
a crazy person

Kinda Stressing Over My Spring Schedule

I decided the other day to figure out what classes I wanted/needed to take for my entire college career. !--insert stress from pulling hair out--! For about 8 minutes, I thought I wanted to go Pre-Medical Psychology and thought I was going to be a Psychiatrist. That's out though, thank God. Just below that is a Clinical Counselor, which can perscribe meds also, but just have to go to Grad School instead of Med School. I might be able to handle that. I don't know, yet, but at least I don't have to re-take the Bio Class I just dropped!

I'm glad you told me what's going on with Matt. I like the know these things, but I don't really have a comment on them.

Sarah Silverman? Ok, I watched an ep the other day. Some comments made me want to pull my hair out, others made me laugh hysterically. She was protesting abortions even though she had had 3 of them, and there was even a loving flashback sequence dedicated to each of them. "You mean I can't have any more abortions?"

Though I'm not dead, I may turn into a Zombie this weekend. There's a Psych Research Project I'm participating in (for extra credit) where it starts of with one person being a zombie. They tag other players making them zombies and humans can stun the zombies with nerf guns and rolled-up socks. At the end we get a T-SHIRT! !--Humans Vs. Zombies--!

Congrats on the High Speed internet and sorry about Chiller.

I'm trying to analyze your poem, but I can't quite grasp it. "A momentary relapse, this is not, Forever binding." So is it momentary or will you stay disconnected forever? I want to know/understand.

I Heart Your FACE

Signals Lost on Forgotten Humans

Are you dead?

I'm finally getting high speed broadband internet this weekend. The only cost is that i have to pay 20 a month, and i no longer get the Chiller channel.

Will u ever arise from the surface?

Catch a glimpse of me fading,

fading into existance.

I give a smirk as your hand waves,

casting shadows off the light of the sun.

A momentary relapse, this is not,

Forever binding, it shall be.

Forever binding, you will know,

that this love is everlasting.

Me, forever fading.

"This Is Going To Make You Freak"

It's now sunday afternoon. 5pm-ish, and i'm listening to techno, and watching Torchwood. How multi-taskin fab is that? anyhoos.

Eric is getting back from Bloomington tomorrow, so he'll be free all week. Unless he's going to like, Canada or some shit.

Yesterday, me and Anj met up with Matt at Jay-C. Again, over by the RentWay truck. At first, we were just hanging out, then Matt wanted to make out, so i asked Anjel if she would go to Walmart and we'd call her when Matt had to head home. (Don't worry i apologized to her later!)

Anyways, after she zoomed off, i me and Matt made out for a little while, then he pulled out his dick and i jerked him off a little, made out some more. Nothing hxc.

But he wanted to see what type of underoos i was wearing so i showed him, which is why my belt buckle was undone. Then he had a candle in his car, and i lit it to get rid of the cigarette smoke i'd inhabitted in it. And he went to pour the wax out of the door, and it spilt on my leg next to my crotch. And to this second, i still don't know if that was intentional, however, when Anjel picked me up since Matt had to head home. Picture this: Me getting into Anjel's car, with some odd, crustyish, clearish white substance all over my pants, and my belt buckle undone.

I know, bad right?

Well i explained it all to her, while we got funny looks as we were walking around Walmart, with my belt BUCKLED, but the wax was still there however.

LOL. It was fun. He's off work ALL DAY wednesday, and since the beauty salon girls are all on vacation this week, i said we should hang and get drunk. I'mma have my mom buy me more Arbor Mist. Which i recently found out mom was getting the $4 small bottles! They have $7 bigger ones! I was like, "GIPPED AGAIN!"

Btw, Sarah Silverman is my new hero. Me and Anjel rented the first season from Movie Gallery last night, and it's HILARIOUS! like cancer!

Stud-Belted Stud,
Physically Active Homo-sapien

That's All Folks? Huh?

I doubt anything will happen with Matt. Not a going out kinda thing, i'm now even doubting anything physical will happen anyhow. So whatevas.

You haven't blogged for like a week. And when you do, it's J's life story? HUH? VAGINA!? WHAT!?!?

I really wanna get drunk again. I've got no cool plans, and next week is Fall Break, so that sucks and stuff.

Gotta go, the twins are crying.

La da dee.
Me.

I'm So Happy For You

I'm glad you can actually be with someone (of the right gender) you like, and not to sound to big-sister-ish, but I just wanted to know if you want to go out with Matt or if it's more physical attraction. I just want you to be happy. So with that said, I'm going to let out a fangirl-esque happy SQUEE!

The Toy. It has had some use, but mostly I want to take it slow with that. I do love him. OH YEAH! So we've said "I love you" to each other now. It feels good to actually say it, instead of just thinking it. He's a little needy when it comes to saying it, and he needs to hear it a lot, but I understand. He was always bouncing around homes, had 3 different "father" figures, and his mom hasn't always been there. He spent about a year living with his grandparents. Maybe it's just the Psych major in me, but I understand that he's just looking for some security, something tangible to hang on to. He's more insecure than he lets on. You probably thought he's really arrogant, but really that's just his satire. He's joking almost all of the time, and I think it's just an act so he can feel in control.

So enough of the psycho-babble-bullshit. I've forgotten, does Buddah now know you're gay? I'm not sure if you've told me.

Trying to remember I have internet access,
Not Quite a Psych Major

Slam-Dancing Body Sweat

Last Night, was the great CHIODOS concert. With Devil Wears Prada, Underminded, and Alesana. I didn't like DWP as much this time, but Alesana, having never heard their stuff before was good. Chiodos was amazing, as per usual. Anjel was with us and like in the middle of a mosh pit, i heard her say, "I just wanna have sex with everyone here!" LOLz. I got to touch the lead guitarists dreads when he jumped into the crowd. when he was on stage he was wearing a Halo 3 tee, and short,tight red track shorts, and they TOTALLY were revealing!

It was pretty awesome.

No new developments with Matt. I might be getting the OUT subscription sent to the hair salon. Matt says he gets all his 'gay' things sent there, so *crosses fingers*.

Anyhoo. Tried out the toy yet? Me and Anjel are trés excited to hear about it.

In other news, i want to kill Nathan. All the things that come out his mouth are directed to me/gay people in general, and are insulting me. That and he keeps saying shit like all condescending to me like he knows Anjel better than me, which is probably why he thinks he's got a shot with her. I told him off hxc today. And i'm not putting up with his bullshit anymore. This happened 4th period. Less than 5 minutes after 4th lets out, i'm on the way to lunch when "No-D" tells me that Nathanael told him he could take me in a fight. And i just replied, "He may be able to do that, but its cool cuz i've got my faggot army backing me up." He just gave me a wierd look, then was like. "Okay. See ya man."

So i'm pretty much gonna hide behind Buddha. He's got my back for shizzles.

Before i go. BLOG MORE! this is supposed to be a once every one or two days. You haven't blogged in a week. AGH! PUSSY! EWW!!!


So literally. Bloggit, bitch.
Broken Armed Faggot

Under The Melting Twilight

So Matt called me today. We call him Peaches. But he was the one that we were gonna meet at Waffle House Saturday night, but he had a late work meeting. But anyways, he calls me at 6:30pm tonight, wondering if i'd wanna hang out and chat. So at 7:30 i met him after work in the Jay-C parking lot.

We talked past the general introductions, and got to the good stuff. Blah this. Blah that. Nothing really interesting. Some info i can't divulge. Anyhoo.

So people in their cars started glaring at us, so he moved his car over behind one of the RentWay uhaul-looking trucks on the far end of the parking lot. Away from any civilization.

More blah, talks. Before long he was rubbing my buddha-belly. He said he liked my 'happy-trail' which if u don't know is chest hair in a line going down ur stomach. Anyhoo...Then he's like, let's peck. So we peck-kissed once. Then i made out with him for like 4 seconds. Then he's like, since ur gay, he gave me tips and stuff for things i gotta do since i'm gay. like shave in places, and made me touch his shaved area above his "meat". I was like Okay. Whateva. And he showed me his "meat" cuz it was hard. Apparently he's one horny bastard. Jerking off constantly. AOL. TMI. I know. He actually offered me $20 if i showed him mine, since he showed me his. But i declined. I told him, if he gets me drunk this weekend, i might show him mine.

So. I just wanted to blog and tell u, that i have officially had my first GAY KISS!

*squeels*

Loves
OMG.OMG.OMG.OMG.OMG.OMG.OMG.OMG.OMG!

"I Need The FreeTime!"

So if you come up this weekend, i was planning on heading up town for a day at the mall with Anj. I'll drive, if you wanna come, we'll go pick out ur strap-on. That was what me and Anj's present to you was gonna be. This is so awesome! You know you'll have to model it for us though, right?

What color u want? i was thinking either a shiny black one, or like a brightly colored one like. Neon blue or something. Joe'll be fucked by an alien. And in all fairness, i'm gonna give him kudos, if he likes you that much. I mean, for a straight guy to take it in places, they normally wouldn't.

I don't remember using the "chinese cock a roacha" quote. I might start using it now though, it sounds cool. I don't remember typing half of that entry, as i was reading it. LOLz

I talked to Eric last night, and we agreed if i brought him a movie to watch, Another Gay Movie, then he'd bring me some back issues of OUT to read, since he subscribes. I think i'll subscribe too. It's 15 dollars for 12 issues/annual subscription. And they're $5 each in store. Plus when they're delivered they're shrink wrapped in a solid white plastic, with only ur address on the outside. So you can't tell what it is, or who its from. Fool-proof plan just in case Dad decides for once in his horrible life to get the mail.

Yays, for me. iguess.

Dave and Vic are sending me two pornos of the "bear" genre, so i get porn too! I like porn. Tis the key to my sheltered heart. I wanna go to a gay bar. I'm thinking of doing that soon. Dunno, who i'll go with, or how much it'll cost to get in even. But i'll make it happen one way or another.

Tomorrow's Friday, and i'm super excited. I don't have any actual plans besides, i talked my mom into buying me and Anjel some alcohol. I'm thinking flavored Tequila...not sure though. You can come over and get tipsy with us. We could all use a stiff drink now, i'm sure you'd agree.

I've been downloading random songs that i like to listen to over and over. Songs by The Deftones, Kenna, Muse, Poe...etc.

I think you should try DXM with me and Anjel when u come up. It'll be good. We'll dance to techno, and i was thinking of investing in a strobe light. They're like $10, and with Halloween, they might be on sale. so..that's cool.

It might sound like all i'm doing with u gone is popping pills and drinking, but there's more to it than that. It gets my mind off the troubles i face in the future. And off school. So yeah.

I love u like a Chinese Cock-A-Roacha!
a faggot.

That's the Way it is in Minnesota

When's the club going to be open again? I'm coming home this weekend for fall break. Do you have any time off?

There wasn't a fight. I was just down and insecure, couldn't figure out why anyone would want to be with me. I just felt really plain, ordinary, and insignificant. Despite my problems, I can't even figure out if those problems are real or some bullshit teenage turmoil.

My Three Issues:

1. I am male (or so I think. confused about my identity).
2. I like men. (mostly, by my female Psych prof. is so amazing I want to kiss her and she makes me kind of giddy)
3. I am attracted to older men of ages 35+. (all but about a handful of people)

I told Joe that sometimes I would rather be male and mentioned the use of a*coughs* strap-on *coughs more.* He actually said that if I bought the aforementioned item and was VERY gentle, he would do it if it would make me happy. Please don't laugh. I know you don't like him, but he means a lot to me.

I'm glad your mom knows. Somehow I think it will at least make you too closer, whether you want that or not I don't know. To be open is the best, but honesty is a pain in the ass. I'm trying, but I'm lazy as hell.

Been listening to lots of Yes, Virginia,
a ghost

p.s. oh, yeah. What was that Chinese Cockroach comment quoting?

I Was Born This Way!!!

Yepprs. That's me.

Never got to try the Ex. Club didn't open. Not that it won't happen. I think me and Anj, might try that or Morphine this weekend. Dunno. Scittles is code for Robitussin Gel-caps. Basically, DXM, Triple C's, Tussin, etc...

How much exactly of the FTM ness have u told J? What's his reaction? What fight?

I've put confidence in my English Teacher, Mr. Trobaugh. 99% sure he's gay. He understands.

Don't be sorry i had to be on drugs to tell her. Drugs are good in situations. Without them, you may have never found out. :)

Long, cry-baby story, Short : I asked her about drugs, whether she did them. I asked if she'd be mad at me if i ever did drugs. Then i confessed i'd done drugs, i'd then told her i had something else to tell her. I made her say/guess it, since i'm a big dumb baby like that. Eventually, it came out. I'm bawling like a bitch in my pillow. And she never cried, or shouted once. She asked things like, "Why do you think you're like this?" I told her, I KNOW i'm like this. I've had it bottled up for like 5 years! I told her to keep it discreet, not to tell anyone. I trust her with this. Simply because today, she told me that in more words or whatever that "She'd rather pay for all my college tuition, than risk people finding out about me." I'd told her about gay scholarships. That was her reply.

How uptight is that? I know. (PRU -HUDE!)

LOLz.

BLog more often. Never know when it might be important.
LA LA LA

me.

OMG! i AM so SORRY for not Responding sOOner

YOU TOLD YOUR MOM? I'm kinda sad you had to be high (and possibly angry) to do so, but I feel really proud of you! ::HUGS and ♥s:: Make sure to let me know what events follow. I want to be there for you eventhough I get distracted being a bad friend and don't.

From what I read ecstasy isn't dangerous and doesn't cause physical addictions. It messes with some nerve in your brain that if you take e a lot, it will damage, and I think it affects memories (i forget!). But that is only in extreme cases.

Scittles?

I'm sorry you were down. I had a night like that last night. And Joe knows about my FTM-ness, well not the complete extent, but he knows I have thought about it. That's something, right?

Loving you is easy cause you're beautyful,
Sir Full of Cheesiness

Tattle-Tale

I told someone something important about me.

I told someone about my sexual preference.

I told mother about my homosexuality.

I told, and it was big.

I was high.

I told her i was high.

I told her everything.

Be proud. Be honest.

Blog it bitch.

Given up on the entire human race.

So i responded to all that yesterday, but then my net fucked up, and i lost it. so i'll give you the Campbell's chicken soup condensed version of it all:

I called Eric out on him ignoring my messages through a txt. then we chatted on AIM for 20 minutes. all's good i think.

Yesterday at school, i wanted to disappear. i had one of my breakdowns again. Anj had to work. so i was all alone. i justwantdd to crash my car, and tell my mom EVERYTHING, gay thinsgs, pills, depression. and stuff.

But i talked it out with Eric instead.

Last night i downed 11 scittles, and it was amazing. then i took the rest of the bottle about a half hour ago. Tonight the club opens, and me and Anjel are gonna try Extacy. Wish us luck. i've researched, and it loooks safe enough. We just swallow it, and it lasts from a half hour after dropping it, for about 4-5 hours. I won't let her drive if she can't. Don't worry about me, i can walk home if i need to.

I just need someone to hug, and i'm waiting on Anjel to get here.

Alos, download Job For A Cowboy's "Entombment of a Machine" the scream about 30 seconds in is orgasmIC! i came 17 times in a row!

But yeah. so. txt me or whatever. i hope this night will be fun. Have fun whatever you're doing, or whoever your'e doing. J/k!? Love yas, You're a doll

Not a porcelain one tho.

Lovyas my little chinese cockraoch. wait! Read "parrotfish" it's about a F to M tranny teen. It's good so far!

ciao!
gay buttfuckin' wanna be X-dropping, high dick face licker- not gonna take it any more!

Myspace?!

I wouldn't put too much thought into it. I know it's hard, but some people just don't do myspace much. I know it said he read it, but maybe he was busy and didn't have time when he read it, and then hasn't been on myspace since. Your last blog post was Monday, and I'm such a lazy-ass, it was Wednesday before I got around to replying.

BTW, "I got tea"? Cape Cod?

Back on topic, I know you need someone else who (maybe) is going through what you are and you can talk to face-to-face. I just wish it wasn't so hard for you.

I don't exactly know Buddah very well, but considering you flat out said you weren't gay and he still ragged on you a lot, if he knew the truth, it would probably be even worse. I hate to say it, but I figure if I'm trying to give advise, I might as well be honest; which I realize is the opposite of the point of advise (to reassure).

I'm sorry you feel so alone. Being so far away, it's kind of hard for me to say I'm there for you (at least physically), but I do love continually talking with you about your/my issues.

Lethargic & currently without Ambition,
whoever i am

"Check Out the Freak!"

I would have posted sooner, but the last post i was working on, the AOL kicked me off, and i was like, "I'm gonna see her this weekend. Whatever."

So i'm here now.

Eric never messaged me back. I messaged him, it's my last attempt at communication. After that i don't fuckin' care anymore. I'll just be like, "Psh, whateva. I got tea."

In the blog, i'm gonna try and steer clear of the whole, "OMG! I recently found out that this guy, has a band on the side, and it sounds so BLAH BLAH BLAH" because these blogs are supposed to MEAN something. Leave that shit to emails. :)

I guess in general i'm okay. I'm kinda bummed that its October. Just cuz now, i have to detox and wait for the school's Monthly Drug Test! YAY! So i'm on a strict DXM diet for me. Which i am now, with a little Cape Cod. I'm enjoying it. It's not bad.

Other than that. The whole Eric thing, i think i'm making it more than it is. But in one way or another it won't leave my mind, and end up thinking about every little detail constantly.

First, i dunno what type of person he IS exactly. I don't know if he's the kind of guy who doesn't answer ANY one's messages or just mine. That's what's got me big time. That and i just might think he said the whole "let's meet up and talk about it." thing he was just saying it to be nice. Cuz i've mentioned i'm free like twice and he's said once that he had an FBLA thing, when in fact it wasn't FBLA at all. It was homecoming, but at the time it sounded like he was giving me an excuse to ditch me. Another thing is that, i might just think that since i'm more different than the other gay people at our school, he won't acknowledge me in front of his friends. Just cuz the two of us are on COMPLETELY DIFFERENT CLIQUE PLATEAUS!

It just makes me frustrated since to me, its coming off like, "Hey, you're gay, that's cool. I am too. Okay, fuck off now!" I just don't get it. And i KNOW i'm probably making more of this than it is. I just, like i said, have no idea what type of person he REALLY IS. He was fun in Topics in History last year. I hope he hasn't changed. Then again, none of his "girl friends" were in that class, so he was free to talk with me without being made fun of by talking with us "common folk".

SEE WHAT I MEAN!? I've rambled on for 2 big paragraphs about this guy, and i never talk to him! WTF!? Give me advice. I could use someone's perspective on this shit. It's CRAZY.

No one else knows. I just wanna tell Buddha, but i'm afraid, it'll spread like a mutha fucka after that. And also, he might not be as cool with it as he leads on. Y'know what i mean?

I finally finished all my orders, and am happy i have nothing to ship as of now. I got 30 Rock in and it's helping me cope with everything else. Like my mom giving me subtle hints she might know something. (I remember what you said the other night, "Well, look at you." LOL) I didn't take offense, but with this, i'm hoping my "better scenario" happens. The one where they say they knew long before i did. That'd be great. Enough with dream clouds! So, that grandma quote you told me. I didn't think it'd get to me, but i thought about it more than ever yesterday. Not so much today, but i'm still glad you told me. It's good to know what people REALLY think of me. If only they'd just express it more...LIKE THAT STUPID GAY KID, ERIC! It's makin' mad. seriously.

So before i put myself into a coma. I'll bid you adieu.

"WHY AM I SO GODDAMN ALONE!?"
Muffin Top Gangstah