I keep telling myself if I only download enough stuff I could actually bootleg, but alas I am still unmotivated to make money. I have enough, but I feel a little guilty that I'm not bringing any in. I need to check out the nightlife setup here because on Fridays and every other Saturday Joe has DND or Vampire games. (Yes, I said D-N-D. He's such a geek!) Oh, by the way, he's a political science major and an anarchist, but not in an angry I-hate-the-world way. He's just that far left. So as to the "done anythin" question... yes. I... like him a lot... and feel weird talking about it on the internet. Actually, I haven't really told anyone. Kinda weird. Not exactly something I bring up in conversation.
As far as my situation goes, he is unaware. I'm basically prioritizing that I can't do anything about it now anyway, so I'm fine for the moment. Though we did get in a conversation about members of the same sex we like that are on campus. Of course there has been one female I've been attracted to and she's somewhere between 47 and 52 years old. I also told Joe that he's basically one of a handful of people under 35 I've been attracted to. Suprisingly, he wasn't freaked out, just a bit suprised.
This Eric person you speak of, all you've told me is that he's gay. Hopefully you have more standards than this. Please tell me he also meets other criteria. If so, go for it. If it works, awesome. If not, would it make you feel any different about yourself? I don't know about you, but I was in a constant state of disappointment and sorrow anyway when it came to those I'm attracted to.
Oh, yeah! My breakdown the other day. It was fuckin weird. Came on for no reason. I just all of a sudden felt confused and without aspiration.
"Not knowing what's wrong or how to make it right. I feel drugged and damaged. Disconnected. Detatched. Discontent. Nothing touches me. Dizzy. Can't stand up straight. Falling. Floating away towards an existential abyss. Out to sea and too far to reach."
That's just what I wrote. Actually this was from about 2 weeks ago, but that time my state of dysphoria only lasted a couple hours in the afternoon. The email I sent you was after about 10 minutes when I wasn't yet having the meltdown, but after a little while longer I was. Joe came over a bit later, and he did help a lot. If it had been for some reason, I would have told him. I wanted to, but there just wasn't one. Just a sudden onset of anxiety, I guess. The hugs and--I hate using this word but--cuddling helped. The next day, I was completely emotionless. I wasn't sad, but still nothing seemed to touch me. I was a desolate island. After my 10am class, I was going to go take 3 tylenol (not sure if would have helped at all) and a cigarette, but I ran into Joe on the way back to my dorm. Maybe his smiling face soothed me. I don't like being all mushy and cliche, but he makes me feel really content--which isn't really a hard task, but it's a nice feeling.
SIDENOTE: I'm really liking this personal blogging. It gets my thoughts out, instead of just bouncing around inside my head. Very Theraputic, and I just can't say "I ♥ You" enough!
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