Encircle Me, I Need To Be Taken Down

Yeah, i did. that's why i was like, "Haha, you're funny." While thinking, "You don't know the half of it."

In other news, I'm friends with Tawny and Brannen, but some shit mightve happened with that so i dunno. Anyways, we snorted painkillers on Halloween, and i grabbed Brannan's crotch cuz he let me. And apparently he's bi, and if i was more fucked up, we'd have prolly made out.

I'm such a slut.

Anyhoo, when u coming home again? this weekend is a Jeny/AFCW show at Eagle's Lodge. Me anjel and Tawny are gonna go together, then hit Dan's B-Day party afterwards.

I was a lesbian for Halloween. I had flannel on, a bought a mullet and wore a trucker/Nascar hat on over that. I walked around yelling, "PUUUUUSSSAAYY!!!" and "VUUURRRGIIINNNAAA!!!"

It was fun, i got candies.

I've also taken the liberty of vandalizing school property. Mainly this one stall in the boys bathroom. I had previously wrote, "I [heart] Faggots!" But since then it's been washed off. So today i wrote, "I Want Your Cock in My Throat!"

So how're u.

Fuck anyone new lately?
a dicklicker.

I Am Now Definitely a Psych Major

We're reading a chapter on sexual orientation, so i thought I'd ask a question.

When people would joke with you about being gay, did you know at that time that you were?

After you answer, I will tell you my answer. I want an unbiased answer.

Thinking about a Gender/Sexual Orientation Research Project,
a crazy person

Kinda Stressing Over My Spring Schedule

I decided the other day to figure out what classes I wanted/needed to take for my entire college career. !--insert stress from pulling hair out--! For about 8 minutes, I thought I wanted to go Pre-Medical Psychology and thought I was going to be a Psychiatrist. That's out though, thank God. Just below that is a Clinical Counselor, which can perscribe meds also, but just have to go to Grad School instead of Med School. I might be able to handle that. I don't know, yet, but at least I don't have to re-take the Bio Class I just dropped!

I'm glad you told me what's going on with Matt. I like the know these things, but I don't really have a comment on them.

Sarah Silverman? Ok, I watched an ep the other day. Some comments made me want to pull my hair out, others made me laugh hysterically. She was protesting abortions even though she had had 3 of them, and there was even a loving flashback sequence dedicated to each of them. "You mean I can't have any more abortions?"

Though I'm not dead, I may turn into a Zombie this weekend. There's a Psych Research Project I'm participating in (for extra credit) where it starts of with one person being a zombie. They tag other players making them zombies and humans can stun the zombies with nerf guns and rolled-up socks. At the end we get a T-SHIRT! !--Humans Vs. Zombies--!

Congrats on the High Speed internet and sorry about Chiller.

I'm trying to analyze your poem, but I can't quite grasp it. "A momentary relapse, this is not, Forever binding." So is it momentary or will you stay disconnected forever? I want to know/understand.

I Heart Your FACE

Signals Lost on Forgotten Humans

Are you dead?

I'm finally getting high speed broadband internet this weekend. The only cost is that i have to pay 20 a month, and i no longer get the Chiller channel.

Will u ever arise from the surface?

Catch a glimpse of me fading,

fading into existance.

I give a smirk as your hand waves,

casting shadows off the light of the sun.

A momentary relapse, this is not,

Forever binding, it shall be.

Forever binding, you will know,

that this love is everlasting.

Me, forever fading.

"This Is Going To Make You Freak"

It's now sunday afternoon. 5pm-ish, and i'm listening to techno, and watching Torchwood. How multi-taskin fab is that? anyhoos.

Eric is getting back from Bloomington tomorrow, so he'll be free all week. Unless he's going to like, Canada or some shit.

Yesterday, me and Anj met up with Matt at Jay-C. Again, over by the RentWay truck. At first, we were just hanging out, then Matt wanted to make out, so i asked Anjel if she would go to Walmart and we'd call her when Matt had to head home. (Don't worry i apologized to her later!)

Anyways, after she zoomed off, i me and Matt made out for a little while, then he pulled out his dick and i jerked him off a little, made out some more. Nothing hxc.

But he wanted to see what type of underoos i was wearing so i showed him, which is why my belt buckle was undone. Then he had a candle in his car, and i lit it to get rid of the cigarette smoke i'd inhabitted in it. And he went to pour the wax out of the door, and it spilt on my leg next to my crotch. And to this second, i still don't know if that was intentional, however, when Anjel picked me up since Matt had to head home. Picture this: Me getting into Anjel's car, with some odd, crustyish, clearish white substance all over my pants, and my belt buckle undone.

I know, bad right?

Well i explained it all to her, while we got funny looks as we were walking around Walmart, with my belt BUCKLED, but the wax was still there however.

LOL. It was fun. He's off work ALL DAY wednesday, and since the beauty salon girls are all on vacation this week, i said we should hang and get drunk. I'mma have my mom buy me more Arbor Mist. Which i recently found out mom was getting the $4 small bottles! They have $7 bigger ones! I was like, "GIPPED AGAIN!"

Btw, Sarah Silverman is my new hero. Me and Anjel rented the first season from Movie Gallery last night, and it's HILARIOUS! like cancer!

Stud-Belted Stud,
Physically Active Homo-sapien

That's All Folks? Huh?

I doubt anything will happen with Matt. Not a going out kinda thing, i'm now even doubting anything physical will happen anyhow. So whatevas.

You haven't blogged for like a week. And when you do, it's J's life story? HUH? VAGINA!? WHAT!?!?

I really wanna get drunk again. I've got no cool plans, and next week is Fall Break, so that sucks and stuff.

Gotta go, the twins are crying.

La da dee.
Me.

I'm So Happy For You

I'm glad you can actually be with someone (of the right gender) you like, and not to sound to big-sister-ish, but I just wanted to know if you want to go out with Matt or if it's more physical attraction. I just want you to be happy. So with that said, I'm going to let out a fangirl-esque happy SQUEE!

The Toy. It has had some use, but mostly I want to take it slow with that. I do love him. OH YEAH! So we've said "I love you" to each other now. It feels good to actually say it, instead of just thinking it. He's a little needy when it comes to saying it, and he needs to hear it a lot, but I understand. He was always bouncing around homes, had 3 different "father" figures, and his mom hasn't always been there. He spent about a year living with his grandparents. Maybe it's just the Psych major in me, but I understand that he's just looking for some security, something tangible to hang on to. He's more insecure than he lets on. You probably thought he's really arrogant, but really that's just his satire. He's joking almost all of the time, and I think it's just an act so he can feel in control.

So enough of the psycho-babble-bullshit. I've forgotten, does Buddah now know you're gay? I'm not sure if you've told me.

Trying to remember I have internet access,
Not Quite a Psych Major

Slam-Dancing Body Sweat

Last Night, was the great CHIODOS concert. With Devil Wears Prada, Underminded, and Alesana. I didn't like DWP as much this time, but Alesana, having never heard their stuff before was good. Chiodos was amazing, as per usual. Anjel was with us and like in the middle of a mosh pit, i heard her say, "I just wanna have sex with everyone here!" LOLz. I got to touch the lead guitarists dreads when he jumped into the crowd. when he was on stage he was wearing a Halo 3 tee, and short,tight red track shorts, and they TOTALLY were revealing!

It was pretty awesome.

No new developments with Matt. I might be getting the OUT subscription sent to the hair salon. Matt says he gets all his 'gay' things sent there, so *crosses fingers*.

Anyhoo. Tried out the toy yet? Me and Anjel are trés excited to hear about it.

In other news, i want to kill Nathan. All the things that come out his mouth are directed to me/gay people in general, and are insulting me. That and he keeps saying shit like all condescending to me like he knows Anjel better than me, which is probably why he thinks he's got a shot with her. I told him off hxc today. And i'm not putting up with his bullshit anymore. This happened 4th period. Less than 5 minutes after 4th lets out, i'm on the way to lunch when "No-D" tells me that Nathanael told him he could take me in a fight. And i just replied, "He may be able to do that, but its cool cuz i've got my faggot army backing me up." He just gave me a wierd look, then was like. "Okay. See ya man."

So i'm pretty much gonna hide behind Buddha. He's got my back for shizzles.

Before i go. BLOG MORE! this is supposed to be a once every one or two days. You haven't blogged in a week. AGH! PUSSY! EWW!!!


So literally. Bloggit, bitch.
Broken Armed Faggot

Under The Melting Twilight

So Matt called me today. We call him Peaches. But he was the one that we were gonna meet at Waffle House Saturday night, but he had a late work meeting. But anyways, he calls me at 6:30pm tonight, wondering if i'd wanna hang out and chat. So at 7:30 i met him after work in the Jay-C parking lot.

We talked past the general introductions, and got to the good stuff. Blah this. Blah that. Nothing really interesting. Some info i can't divulge. Anyhoo.

So people in their cars started glaring at us, so he moved his car over behind one of the RentWay uhaul-looking trucks on the far end of the parking lot. Away from any civilization.

More blah, talks. Before long he was rubbing my buddha-belly. He said he liked my 'happy-trail' which if u don't know is chest hair in a line going down ur stomach. Anyhoo...Then he's like, let's peck. So we peck-kissed once. Then i made out with him for like 4 seconds. Then he's like, since ur gay, he gave me tips and stuff for things i gotta do since i'm gay. like shave in places, and made me touch his shaved area above his "meat". I was like Okay. Whateva. And he showed me his "meat" cuz it was hard. Apparently he's one horny bastard. Jerking off constantly. AOL. TMI. I know. He actually offered me $20 if i showed him mine, since he showed me his. But i declined. I told him, if he gets me drunk this weekend, i might show him mine.

So. I just wanted to blog and tell u, that i have officially had my first GAY KISS!

*squeels*

Loves
OMG.OMG.OMG.OMG.OMG.OMG.OMG.OMG.OMG!

"I Need The FreeTime!"

So if you come up this weekend, i was planning on heading up town for a day at the mall with Anj. I'll drive, if you wanna come, we'll go pick out ur strap-on. That was what me and Anj's present to you was gonna be. This is so awesome! You know you'll have to model it for us though, right?

What color u want? i was thinking either a shiny black one, or like a brightly colored one like. Neon blue or something. Joe'll be fucked by an alien. And in all fairness, i'm gonna give him kudos, if he likes you that much. I mean, for a straight guy to take it in places, they normally wouldn't.

I don't remember using the "chinese cock a roacha" quote. I might start using it now though, it sounds cool. I don't remember typing half of that entry, as i was reading it. LOLz

I talked to Eric last night, and we agreed if i brought him a movie to watch, Another Gay Movie, then he'd bring me some back issues of OUT to read, since he subscribes. I think i'll subscribe too. It's 15 dollars for 12 issues/annual subscription. And they're $5 each in store. Plus when they're delivered they're shrink wrapped in a solid white plastic, with only ur address on the outside. So you can't tell what it is, or who its from. Fool-proof plan just in case Dad decides for once in his horrible life to get the mail.

Yays, for me. iguess.

Dave and Vic are sending me two pornos of the "bear" genre, so i get porn too! I like porn. Tis the key to my sheltered heart. I wanna go to a gay bar. I'm thinking of doing that soon. Dunno, who i'll go with, or how much it'll cost to get in even. But i'll make it happen one way or another.

Tomorrow's Friday, and i'm super excited. I don't have any actual plans besides, i talked my mom into buying me and Anjel some alcohol. I'm thinking flavored Tequila...not sure though. You can come over and get tipsy with us. We could all use a stiff drink now, i'm sure you'd agree.

I've been downloading random songs that i like to listen to over and over. Songs by The Deftones, Kenna, Muse, Poe...etc.

I think you should try DXM with me and Anjel when u come up. It'll be good. We'll dance to techno, and i was thinking of investing in a strobe light. They're like $10, and with Halloween, they might be on sale. so..that's cool.

It might sound like all i'm doing with u gone is popping pills and drinking, but there's more to it than that. It gets my mind off the troubles i face in the future. And off school. So yeah.

I love u like a Chinese Cock-A-Roacha!
a faggot.

That's the Way it is in Minnesota

When's the club going to be open again? I'm coming home this weekend for fall break. Do you have any time off?

There wasn't a fight. I was just down and insecure, couldn't figure out why anyone would want to be with me. I just felt really plain, ordinary, and insignificant. Despite my problems, I can't even figure out if those problems are real or some bullshit teenage turmoil.

My Three Issues:

1. I am male (or so I think. confused about my identity).
2. I like men. (mostly, by my female Psych prof. is so amazing I want to kiss her and she makes me kind of giddy)
3. I am attracted to older men of ages 35+. (all but about a handful of people)

I told Joe that sometimes I would rather be male and mentioned the use of a*coughs* strap-on *coughs more.* He actually said that if I bought the aforementioned item and was VERY gentle, he would do it if it would make me happy. Please don't laugh. I know you don't like him, but he means a lot to me.

I'm glad your mom knows. Somehow I think it will at least make you too closer, whether you want that or not I don't know. To be open is the best, but honesty is a pain in the ass. I'm trying, but I'm lazy as hell.

Been listening to lots of Yes, Virginia,
a ghost

p.s. oh, yeah. What was that Chinese Cockroach comment quoting?

I Was Born This Way!!!

Yepprs. That's me.

Never got to try the Ex. Club didn't open. Not that it won't happen. I think me and Anj, might try that or Morphine this weekend. Dunno. Scittles is code for Robitussin Gel-caps. Basically, DXM, Triple C's, Tussin, etc...

How much exactly of the FTM ness have u told J? What's his reaction? What fight?

I've put confidence in my English Teacher, Mr. Trobaugh. 99% sure he's gay. He understands.

Don't be sorry i had to be on drugs to tell her. Drugs are good in situations. Without them, you may have never found out. :)

Long, cry-baby story, Short : I asked her about drugs, whether she did them. I asked if she'd be mad at me if i ever did drugs. Then i confessed i'd done drugs, i'd then told her i had something else to tell her. I made her say/guess it, since i'm a big dumb baby like that. Eventually, it came out. I'm bawling like a bitch in my pillow. And she never cried, or shouted once. She asked things like, "Why do you think you're like this?" I told her, I KNOW i'm like this. I've had it bottled up for like 5 years! I told her to keep it discreet, not to tell anyone. I trust her with this. Simply because today, she told me that in more words or whatever that "She'd rather pay for all my college tuition, than risk people finding out about me." I'd told her about gay scholarships. That was her reply.

How uptight is that? I know. (PRU -HUDE!)

LOLz.

BLog more often. Never know when it might be important.
LA LA LA

me.

OMG! i AM so SORRY for not Responding sOOner

YOU TOLD YOUR MOM? I'm kinda sad you had to be high (and possibly angry) to do so, but I feel really proud of you! ::HUGS and ♥s:: Make sure to let me know what events follow. I want to be there for you eventhough I get distracted being a bad friend and don't.

From what I read ecstasy isn't dangerous and doesn't cause physical addictions. It messes with some nerve in your brain that if you take e a lot, it will damage, and I think it affects memories (i forget!). But that is only in extreme cases.

Scittles?

I'm sorry you were down. I had a night like that last night. And Joe knows about my FTM-ness, well not the complete extent, but he knows I have thought about it. That's something, right?

Loving you is easy cause you're beautyful,
Sir Full of Cheesiness

Tattle-Tale

I told someone something important about me.

I told someone about my sexual preference.

I told mother about my homosexuality.

I told, and it was big.

I was high.

I told her i was high.

I told her everything.

Be proud. Be honest.

Blog it bitch.

Given up on the entire human race.

So i responded to all that yesterday, but then my net fucked up, and i lost it. so i'll give you the Campbell's chicken soup condensed version of it all:

I called Eric out on him ignoring my messages through a txt. then we chatted on AIM for 20 minutes. all's good i think.

Yesterday at school, i wanted to disappear. i had one of my breakdowns again. Anj had to work. so i was all alone. i justwantdd to crash my car, and tell my mom EVERYTHING, gay thinsgs, pills, depression. and stuff.

But i talked it out with Eric instead.

Last night i downed 11 scittles, and it was amazing. then i took the rest of the bottle about a half hour ago. Tonight the club opens, and me and Anjel are gonna try Extacy. Wish us luck. i've researched, and it loooks safe enough. We just swallow it, and it lasts from a half hour after dropping it, for about 4-5 hours. I won't let her drive if she can't. Don't worry about me, i can walk home if i need to.

I just need someone to hug, and i'm waiting on Anjel to get here.

Alos, download Job For A Cowboy's "Entombment of a Machine" the scream about 30 seconds in is orgasmIC! i came 17 times in a row!

But yeah. so. txt me or whatever. i hope this night will be fun. Have fun whatever you're doing, or whoever your'e doing. J/k!? Love yas, You're a doll

Not a porcelain one tho.

Lovyas my little chinese cockraoch. wait! Read "parrotfish" it's about a F to M tranny teen. It's good so far!

ciao!
gay buttfuckin' wanna be X-dropping, high dick face licker- not gonna take it any more!

Myspace?!

I wouldn't put too much thought into it. I know it's hard, but some people just don't do myspace much. I know it said he read it, but maybe he was busy and didn't have time when he read it, and then hasn't been on myspace since. Your last blog post was Monday, and I'm such a lazy-ass, it was Wednesday before I got around to replying.

BTW, "I got tea"? Cape Cod?

Back on topic, I know you need someone else who (maybe) is going through what you are and you can talk to face-to-face. I just wish it wasn't so hard for you.

I don't exactly know Buddah very well, but considering you flat out said you weren't gay and he still ragged on you a lot, if he knew the truth, it would probably be even worse. I hate to say it, but I figure if I'm trying to give advise, I might as well be honest; which I realize is the opposite of the point of advise (to reassure).

I'm sorry you feel so alone. Being so far away, it's kind of hard for me to say I'm there for you (at least physically), but I do love continually talking with you about your/my issues.

Lethargic & currently without Ambition,
whoever i am

"Check Out the Freak!"

I would have posted sooner, but the last post i was working on, the AOL kicked me off, and i was like, "I'm gonna see her this weekend. Whatever."

So i'm here now.

Eric never messaged me back. I messaged him, it's my last attempt at communication. After that i don't fuckin' care anymore. I'll just be like, "Psh, whateva. I got tea."

In the blog, i'm gonna try and steer clear of the whole, "OMG! I recently found out that this guy, has a band on the side, and it sounds so BLAH BLAH BLAH" because these blogs are supposed to MEAN something. Leave that shit to emails. :)

I guess in general i'm okay. I'm kinda bummed that its October. Just cuz now, i have to detox and wait for the school's Monthly Drug Test! YAY! So i'm on a strict DXM diet for me. Which i am now, with a little Cape Cod. I'm enjoying it. It's not bad.

Other than that. The whole Eric thing, i think i'm making it more than it is. But in one way or another it won't leave my mind, and end up thinking about every little detail constantly.

First, i dunno what type of person he IS exactly. I don't know if he's the kind of guy who doesn't answer ANY one's messages or just mine. That's what's got me big time. That and i just might think he said the whole "let's meet up and talk about it." thing he was just saying it to be nice. Cuz i've mentioned i'm free like twice and he's said once that he had an FBLA thing, when in fact it wasn't FBLA at all. It was homecoming, but at the time it sounded like he was giving me an excuse to ditch me. Another thing is that, i might just think that since i'm more different than the other gay people at our school, he won't acknowledge me in front of his friends. Just cuz the two of us are on COMPLETELY DIFFERENT CLIQUE PLATEAUS!

It just makes me frustrated since to me, its coming off like, "Hey, you're gay, that's cool. I am too. Okay, fuck off now!" I just don't get it. And i KNOW i'm probably making more of this than it is. I just, like i said, have no idea what type of person he REALLY IS. He was fun in Topics in History last year. I hope he hasn't changed. Then again, none of his "girl friends" were in that class, so he was free to talk with me without being made fun of by talking with us "common folk".

SEE WHAT I MEAN!? I've rambled on for 2 big paragraphs about this guy, and i never talk to him! WTF!? Give me advice. I could use someone's perspective on this shit. It's CRAZY.

No one else knows. I just wanna tell Buddha, but i'm afraid, it'll spread like a mutha fucka after that. And also, he might not be as cool with it as he leads on. Y'know what i mean?

I finally finished all my orders, and am happy i have nothing to ship as of now. I got 30 Rock in and it's helping me cope with everything else. Like my mom giving me subtle hints she might know something. (I remember what you said the other night, "Well, look at you." LOL) I didn't take offense, but with this, i'm hoping my "better scenario" happens. The one where they say they knew long before i did. That'd be great. Enough with dream clouds! So, that grandma quote you told me. I didn't think it'd get to me, but i thought about it more than ever yesterday. Not so much today, but i'm still glad you told me. It's good to know what people REALLY think of me. If only they'd just express it more...LIKE THAT STUPID GAY KID, ERIC! It's makin' mad. seriously.

So before i put myself into a coma. I'll bid you adieu.

"WHY AM I SO GODDAMN ALONE!?"
Muffin Top Gangstah

Gay Kids Poor Kids

So me and Anj are poor. or don't really want to pay $30 to go. Friday, i might be meeting up w/ Eric and Anjel for coffee, if the FBLA thing falls through for him. But Saturday night you could come, but don't be an ass hat. wait.

Is Joe coming with u?

Anyways. Get back to me. we could party hard, since Rocky Horror, and techno club is opening.

Woots.

Under $15,000 income,
someone who's accepted to IUS.

Pretty Sure I'm Coming Home This Weekend

Hedwig is still going on

Friday at 10
Saturday at 7 or 10

I called the box office (there isn't a buy online option), and there are plenty of tickets left. Not that I have any income, but this would be fun.

Call (502) 584-1205

Let me know if you're still interested,
Jess

"Even If You Want Me To Let Go, Honey!"

Okay. for serious, i thought we were past the "bitch" thing. You should seriously see how many times i call my friends bitch and slut, like ALL THE TIME. But i do understand and try not to say it. But if I say it and don't immediately apologize for forgeting not to say it, you'll know something is wrong.

I still, and don't think i will, be able to accept your relationship w/ him. For numbers of reasons but lets' just say i wouldn't want to have sex with a girl until i had a vagina, if i were a lesbian. But whatevers. I'm not gonna try to go into that now.

You're right, we do need to talk. but that may not happen, unless YOU come HOME ALONE. Considering if you know he's within 100 yards, you'll ditch us to go find him. :)

Let me know what you wanna do about this. The ball is in your court, metaphorically speaking of course. Gays don't do sports. lolz.

Yeah, and Stuff.
a returning memory.

Prioritizing

It sounds like you've calmed down (I was worried you wouldn't). I don't know how to respond to you, but I don't want you to think I'm ignoring you. It's a phone/face conversation, and I feel like you're hating me right now. I'm almost afraid to call you because I don't want my fears to be confirmed.

But here's me trying:
I'm taking Anjel's advise and prioritizing. I can't do anything about my iPenis (imaginary) right now, yes that's what I'm calling it; so I'm just with someone I like. I'm having sex with a guy because that's who I'm attracted to. Yes, it would be great if I had a penis to have sex with (I do think about it), but I don't. Strangely enough--*pushes back impulse to stop talking because I want you to understand*--I find it more frustrating on top than bottom. On bottom I accept my role. On top, I want more than I have, and I just end up frustrated and sad.

Hoping you can somehow understand,
Fellow NQSH Fan

P.S. I'm happy for you that you're telling more people. I want you to be completely open, and I'm not trying to repress you, but when you call me a bitch, it really does hurt. I hate to once again bring it up, but it stings, and I just wanted you to know how I feel.

Emoticons are bull...

Yeah, yeah yeah...i get it. You can't express urself over the internet due to lack of contact. But blahs on that note.

Second, the reason i'm angry toward you is the fact that i can't fathom what the fuck you're doing with your life right now. i don't think Anjel quite understands it either. The fact that you want a penis, but are having sex with a guy in your state.

I'm even contemplating whether you are even the way that you are in spite of these recent developments.

But on a lighter note that i couldn't help but share due to mutual love. Is that Mike Stewart called me. Not txt. But actually CALLED ME! About 5 minutes ago, i'm pulling up my drive way and i get the call, and in the matter of life-threatening seconds i have to think, i decide to answer. And BTW, he sounds not at all what you'd think he'd sound like on the phone. So appartenly he explains that he had no reason to call me but to say that i have good taste in music, because in past txts, i stated i was into Xiu Xiu, and recently one of his friends had brought the band up, and he was like, "Hey, that guy Logan is into them. I think i'll give him a call" So he did, and after that he just said, "well, i'm about to go sell my car. But when our band has a show, i'll be sure to call you." And i was like, "Sounds great! Good luck with selling your car!" and we said bye and that was it.

Silly, but i thought it brightened my day. From the fact that i told 2 other friends today about me, and might be having regrets.

Sincerely,
a nut case

The Internet & Emotions

The only part of my "The Third Wheel" blog that was angry was the Postscript. I'm not one to put much emotion behind what I read because I know things can be misunderstood, but "you were kind of a bitch" and "*spits in face*" seem pretty clear.

How am I burying my feelings toward myself?

SIDENOTE: This blog has no anger engrained within it, but you've never talked this way to me before so it's hard to comprehend.

YOU KNOW WHAT!?...

I'm sick of you trying to bury your feelings toward yourself. Before speaking to me, talk to yourself!

*spits in face*

It Hurts...

Well, in previous notions, when calling u a bitch or slut, were in fun, or at least a failed attempt at it, apparently. But in the last post, you were kind of a bitch.

I guess we're happy for u if you like him that much, but we might just call it quits on visiting u, if you two are gonna be that way.

You can continue to blog here, i'll check daily for posts, however, if you don't want to, i don't mind.

I just hope that you don't change too much, (since you've changed much already), while you're at Evansville, cuz i'd like to think there are still parts of you that are salvagable.

[insert emoticon here]
a guy moving farther and farther away...

The Third Wheel

Don't think you're the only one who has felt like the third wheel. When I came home last time, that's basically how I felt with you and Anjel. In fact, that's how I've felt the past few times I've hung out with you two, even before I left for Evansville.

By the way I think it's hysterical that you think he has no sense of humour. Somehow you just missed it. He usually can adapt well to new people and start up conversations, but this time it just didn't work. [He is a Political Science Major] He is very pushy because he likes to press people's buttons. The easiest way to get him to shut up is to just tell him to fuck off, though if you would have done it, it probably wouldn't have been in the playful way. You just can't let him get to you. I guess my skin's just thicker than most.

And he does know about me and Colbert... well, not the gay sex bit.

Not trying to be a douchebag,
R. Edward

P.S. You calling me a bitch and a slut doesn't help, even if you're joking (and I'm not sure that you are), it still hurts.

You Were...

Well. Let's just say, it's like...i was working on the discs, and then u guys were like totally spooning and me and AnJ were txting back and forth. (lolz that u were the big spoon, :)) But seriously, i was like. "Anj, wanna get outta here?" "YES!" So we left and talked about u guys for like an hour and 1/2 outside. Then were locked out for another hour or so. And like the entire time he was there, you never really said two words to us, you were just all hanging all around him. And i don't know if you know how it feels to be a third wheel or whatever, but i have had my share of those experiences, and this was the worst. Just cuz i was so close to you as a friend, then it's like. You went through Lacuna, and it was like you never knew us in the first place! We were like complete strangers!

On another note, we don't like Joe so much. You may not care what we think, but...I DON'T CARE! You'll listen to this, just for the shit we had to put up with on this trip.

He's WAY too political for his own good. The shirt was too much.
He has no sense of humor. [EX. What's a frenzie? "Do u want the definition?"]
That and the fact, i don't think i ever saw him laugh. At least at something that was funny.

He pushes his beliefs on everyone. Like AnJ, she was getting pissed,
Joe: What about this band?
AnJ: They suck.
Joe: How can u say that? They've been around for 15 years, so obviously not.
AnJ: I'm allowed to have an opinion and that was it.

Me and AnJ, in this trip alone, have come up with impressions/jokes about him.
Impression #1: "Knives...huhhuh...are like....huhhuh...really usefull...huhhuh. *burp*"
Impression #2: "When's that political show on?" [if only he knew about u and Colbert]

Another thing that got on our nerves was that he kept talking and shit when we were watching TV, then he like told us to shut up when Jon Stewart was on.

That and he was sorta, "i know all" personality, when he totally fucked up that Nancy/Sid story.

We did want to dye her hair, but he was there, we just wanted to leave. We actually were feeling so low, we wanted to leave in the middle of the night without telling you. Srrys, but it's true.

That's all i can think about now, we just felt like shit the whole time, and are even contemplating coming back. It's the truth. Think about it.

Logan,
a stranger.

I'm Such a Fuckass...

Sorry I acted like such a douchebag. You and Anjel see each other enough to remain close so I feel a little out of place. Having Joe around probably wasn't the greatest thing, but I wasn't trying to keep you away or be hanging on him all the time. I just feel really close to him.

I'm worried that I'm being perceived as this pretentious [insert explitive of your choice here] who can't bear to spend more than five minutes away from her boyfriend, but he's the person I'm closest to here. My other friends I've known for a little less than a month, and I haven't really opened up. With Joe, I have. Obviously not about everything, but moreso than others. You and Anjel are the only ones that I feel the need to keep a connection with because you know my secrets. Joe knows a little, and I think I could tell him everything... one day.

I don't want you guys to hate me. Please tell me you don't.

God, I've got a lump in my throat now and just trying not to cry.

I just want you to know that I wasn't trying to choose him over you (plural). You mean so much to me.

Post from 2 days ago when my mouse stopped working:

Sex. What can I say? I like it. Not sure how much you want to know, but after about 24 hours... Though Joe does like to cuddle. *smiles.* In my head I keep casually saying I love him. Not sure if it's just a reflex or what.

Yay! to new places where Flamboyancy runs amuck. "Amuck, amuck, amuck!" I wasn't actually implying that you have low standards. It's just that is all you told me about him. I want to know more than "he is SO outta my league," eventhough you said you're not "romantically" interested. I love that you are--at least seem--so confident. I'm working on it. Joe's pretty outward (?). He has no filter and seemingly no inhibitions.

The LGBT-friendly meeting have apparently not started yet. I signed up, but have yet to receive any emails. Technically the club is called P.R.I.D.E and stands for something about diversity. Their t'shirts say "Homophobia is Gay," which is so ridiculous. If I get one, I'm gonna duck tape over "gay" and write "Hetero" in sharpie.

Quidditch Club is awesome, by the way (like there was any doubt), and I got sorted into Gryffindor who are the lazy ones. They have contests for housepoints. All of the houses had 400/500 points, but Gryffindor had 43 and a blast "losing hardcore!" I took the quiz before I was going out with Joe, so I didn't manipulate my answers, but he is a fellow housemember. I think it's going to be fun because we are all pretty lazy.


Also, Horror Club shows an old horror flick every tuesday, and apparently last week they were watching something with Bella Lagosi (sp?) and whenever the camera zooms in on his face, someone joked that he makes a "I'm onna rape you" face. So now, someones working on the shirt.

With bunches of ♥,
Edward

I Worry About You Jessie, I Worry A Lot...

So... sex...that's nice.... i really don't know what to say. I told Anj just cuz she deserves to know. But i won't let her read the blogs...

HOw is sex goign for u?

I'm seriously speechless. that's all i got to say right now.

Besides that. With these trips to E-Ville we're taking, i'm going to make a personal note to make sure and be more "myself" when i'm there, just cuz NO ONE knows me there, and i can start over. Plus this internet flamboyancy is just my inner thots as they commerce. no editing.

As for Eric. I SOOOO HAVE MORE STANDARDS THAN "THEY'RE GAY". I feel hurt you assume such things. But 4 serial, he is SO outta my league. the only thing i meant to do, is to tell him. just cuz i feel i need to tell someone else who knows me. That's why i'm making an effort toward my English teacher. NOT TO MAKE OUT WITH HIM! But to let him know who i am. Let someone know.

Me and Anj agree that u should go to the LGBT meetings at UofE and let ur inner self out. I feel it would help u. THe longer it stays inside, the harder it'll fight to get out.

on that happy. note.

byas, c u tomorrows!

L-Bitch.

I Love That On the Internet You're So Much More Flamboyant

Speaking of flamboyancy, I had a dream the other night that I stole John Waters' car. He was speaking like the narrator in Pink Flamingos and had a Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat type trenchcoat on. RANDOM.

I keep telling myself if I only download enough stuff I could actually bootleg, but alas I am still unmotivated to make money. I have enough, but I feel a little guilty that I'm not bringing any in. I need to check out the nightlife setup here because on Fridays and every other Saturday Joe has DND or Vampire games. (Yes, I said D-N-D. He's such a geek!) Oh, by the way, he's a political science major and an anarchist, but not in an angry I-hate-the-world way. He's just that far left. So as to the "done anythin" question... yes. I... like him a lot... and feel weird talking about it on the internet. Actually, I haven't really told anyone. Kinda weird. Not exactly something I bring up in conversation.

As far as my situation goes, he is unaware. I'm basically prioritizing that I can't do anything about it now anyway, so I'm fine for the moment. Though we did get in a conversation about members of the same sex we like that are on campus. Of course there has been one female I've been attracted to and she's somewhere between 47 and 52 years old. I also told Joe that he's basically one of a handful of people under 35 I've been attracted to. Suprisingly, he wasn't freaked out, just a bit suprised.

This Eric person you speak of, all you've told me is that he's gay. Hopefully you have more standards than this. Please tell me he also meets other criteria. If so, go for it. If it works, awesome. If not, would it make you feel any different about yourself? I don't know about you, but I was in a constant state of disappointment and sorrow anyway when it came to those I'm attracted to.

Oh, yeah! My breakdown the other day. It was fuckin weird. Came on for no reason. I just all of a sudden felt confused and without aspiration.

"Not knowing what's wrong or how to make it right. I feel drugged and damaged. Disconnected. Detatched. Discontent. Nothing touches me. Dizzy. Can't stand up straight. Falling. Floating away towards an existential abyss. Out to sea and too far to reach."

That's just what I wrote. Actually this was from about 2 weeks ago, but that time my state of dysphoria only lasted a couple hours in the afternoon. The email I sent you was after about 10 minutes when I wasn't yet having the meltdown, but after a little while longer I was. Joe came over a bit later, and he did help a lot. If it had been for some reason, I would have told him. I wanted to, but there just wasn't one. Just a sudden onset of anxiety, I guess. The hugs and--I hate using this word but--cuddling helped. The next day, I was completely emotionless. I wasn't sad, but still nothing seemed to touch me. I was a desolate island. After my 10am class, I was going to go take 3 tylenol (not sure if would have helped at all) and a cigarette, but I ran into Joe on the way back to my dorm. Maybe his smiling face soothed me. I don't like being all mushy and cliche, but he makes me feel really content--which isn't really a hard task, but it's a nice feeling.

SIDENOTE: I'm really liking this personal blogging. It gets my thoughts out, instead of just bouncing around inside my head. Very Theraputic, and I just can't say "I ♥ You" enough!

First blogger to post in this bitch!

So what up my home-girl?

I finally created this bitch, so i hope we get this partay started.
Alright, enough introductory mumbo-jumbo. (ON WITH IT!)

In the life of L-Dog, since i'm a big flaming homo. i read homo books. So on that note. i've been checking out books from my english teacher's book shelf in his classroom. He had the 2nd and 3rd in the "rainbow boys" series, so i read the third one, (the only one i didn't have). But he also had this other book which is based on a queer film called, "Latter Days". It's SO funny, and warm-heartedly sweet story. So THEN! (this is wear it gets good). He comes up to me like last week on Friday, and says, "So i got this book in, it wasn't on the shelf yet, since you liked the rainbow books, i didn't know maybe you'd wanna read this.." I was like "Oh, cool. I saw this on Amazon! Thanks." I haven't finished it yet, but that's where i got this idea from. It's called, "The Tale of Two Summers" About a gay kid and a straight kid, are BFFs for like 10 years and now they're spending their first summer apart from eachother! It's totally a heartwarming, yet sad story so far. I secretly am hoping for both the guys to realize that they're meant for eachother. I somehow doubt that will happen.

ANY ways...my point is that the teacher is kinda cute and would totally make out with him.
I know that doesn't really make much since, how i got from one point to the other, but it does.

But in the life of me besides romancing english teachers...i borrowed The War at Home Season One from Anjel since she got it in a trade, and am TOTALLY loving it! It's so freaking funny! Plus they deal with a lot of issues, that i didn't think they could talk about on sitcom television. Plus (again), its been released in Widescreen Format! YAHOO! Loves this shit.

So yah. and anyways...(flips hair), my business is soooo going well. and theres supposed to be a techno club opening at that hotel by Frische's. It opens every Saturday at 11pm and closes like at 2-4ish. i dunno what time. i'm not sure if the club has even been approved, however, during the day, they're turning it into a coffee shop, so woot on that! i might try and get an actual job, i dunno. It'll give me something to do. And with it being so close to my house, i can totally get my parents approval and extended curfew on it! WHEE!

So enough about me...and stuffs. What new w/ u? I got that email from you that said one sentence like, "I'm not having a total meltdown right now" and that was it! Were you really having one? What's wrong? LET IT OUT YO! This is a way for us to talk, at length, ANYTIME, since we never are on at the same times, which sucks but yas.

Also, about this Joe guy...have you guys....done anythin? I don't wanna sound crossing-boundaryish since i'm ur cousin, but with my situation, it shouldn't matter. Also, does he KNOW about your 'situation'. (Also, if you have a better way of me referencing it besides "your situation", plz let me know. I dunno what else to call it). I'd just like to get full details on it.

Also, i'm trying to become better friends w/ this gay guy named Eric at school. He's really funny, and i'm contemplating messaging him on MySpace and telling him about me. Whatya think?

Hope to hear from you and more,
your bitch.